You’re Not OCD, You’re Just Annoying!

A 5 minute read

I used to have some very annoying neighbours. I mean, there are far worse neighbours. These two didn’t host drug fuelled parties, or operate a crack den, or play Shania Twain’s Greatest Hits until the early hours of the morning. Maybe irritating is a better word. I used to have some very irritating neighbours.

Apart from the obsessive jogging, only driving BMWs or Audis, every item of clothing having a designer label, and the air of general smugness, it was her insistence that she had OCD that most got my blood boiling.

“No” I would tell her on multiple occasions “You do not have OCD, you have OCPD. I know it’s only one letter, and you probably think the P stands for Pedantic, but the former means you are desperately struggling with intrusive and unwanted thoughts and are a danger to yourself, whereas the latter merely means you’re very annoying.”

Which is exactly how I speak by the way. Particularly after a few glasses of wine. I think I sound witty and eloquent, whereas I probably just sound patronising and pompous.

Anyway, she was a very boring person, without much of a personality, and I think being “So OCD me” was her way of being a bit quirky and interesting. But that one letter difference is a huge one. Nearly everyone who says they have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, actually have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, or OCPD. These are the control freaks, the perfectionists, the people obsessed with neatness and everything in its place. I mean to say, the pair of them iron their jeans, then hang them up on trouser hangers with a three inch gap between each pair so they don’t touch. More like Obsessive Clothes Perfection Disorder I guess.

But the point is, this level of neatness and exactitude only disrupts their own life. The whole jeans ironing and hanging thing, and the need to check the front door is locked exactly three times when leaving the house are just quirks, ingrained habits. People with OCPD have none of the shame and anxiety that OCD sufferers have. To them it’s just an amusing little ‘ism’.

OCD is a whole other level of fucked-up-edness. Someone with OCPD might straighten their place mat and cutlery because it looks untidy, but someone with OCD will straighten them because if they don’t their entire family will die in a house fire. People with OCD will wash their hands repeatedly so they don’t contaminate other people and pass on a wasting disease they don’t even have. They will never step on the bottom stair because if they do their sister will be gang raped. They will check the front door is locked exactly three times because if they don’t their best friend will be kidnapped, tortured, and killed.

Their OCD doesn’t mean they iron their jeans though, they aren’t that fucking weird.

People with OCD know their thoughts are irrational. They know their friends and family won’t really be killed, or raped, or tortured. But that doesn’t stop the thoughts happening. They cannot make the thoughts go away simply because they are highly improbable. The rituals of OCD are necessary, because they are a coping mechanism. They turn the highly improbable into definitely won’t happens, simply by the action of doing them. OCD is an anxiety disorder, not an obsession with neatness or cleanliness.

There is no joy or satisfaction in performing their rituals, only a temporary relief. They don’t want to read every number plate they see, or count the steps to the front gate every time they leave the house, or open and close the car door five times before getting in. They don’t want to, they have to, even though they know these rituals are senseless.

A final point, as if what I’ve said so far isn’t horrible enough. People with OCD are highly likely to have other disorders too, such as panic attacks, hypochondria, body dysmorphia, bulimia, anorexia, and even Tourette’s. They are more likely to have clinical depression, feel isolated, and have very low self esteem. They are, consequentially, more at risk of suicide.

So no love, you don’t have OCD. You’re just an annoying woman with no soul whose self worth comes from an Audi A6 and a pair of Birkenstocks. Now stop trying to sound interesting and pour me another glass of wine.